Overboard Without a Life Jacket
When your husband left, did it make you question your value as a person? We had an interesting discussion on this at a recent session of Hearts & Minds, my online divorce recovery group. One woman commented that she feels ashamed because her husband no longer finds her valuable in his eyes. She felt that her actual value as a person had been diminished. She said that it’s a “taken for granted” that being married is better than being single or divorced.
After all, isn’t everyone trying to find their special person? Very few people are yearning to be single. All the songs, movies, books and podcasts seem to be about how to locate your significant other. Being married (or in a long-term relationship) is pretty much universally assumed to be a significant life goal.
One woman remembered back to what it was like before her husband left. She called herself “smug-married”. She loved the fact that she and her husband were co-piloting a big ship together - tending the house and kids, planning the family’s course for the future, depending on each other to keep the ship water tight and sailing right.
Then he pushed her overboard without a life jacket. Suddenly, the secure identity she had built as part of a couple had sunk to the bottom of the sea.
If being married means that you accomplished something very valuable, then being left must mean that you failed. Or does it?
So many women in our runaway husbands community describe how they were super competent and dedicated, often taking care of everyone while working full time. They may not have been the perfect wife, but then again, was their husband the perfect husband? If your husband chose to leave the marriage, especially if he abandoned you, he’s the one who failed the marriage, not you.
Your ex-husband doesn’t get to determine your worth as a person. Nor does whether you’re married or divorced. You are more than that! Much more. But it will take a strong mind to block out society’s messages that broadcast that only being married is valuable.
You had a certain identity as a married person but now, you have a different, equally valuable identity in spite of the fact that you’re separated or divorced. Think it through. In what other ways do you value yourself? Are you a kind person? Do you work hard? Do you have a sense of humor? Are you loyal? Make a list of all the character traits you can think of that describe ways in which you can love yourself.
Become defiant! Don’t permit yourself to be diminished by the fact that your husband left. In fact, strengthen the character traits you appreciate about yourself. I love the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Easier said than done, of course, but healing begins when you stop measuring your worth through the eyes of the person who left, or even through accepting the messages society seems to be saying.
You may have been thrown overboard but you know how to swim. Swim to shore! You’re far stronger than you think. Don’t hand your ex-husband the power to determine your worth. Practice loving yourself, just as you are.
