Did You Cry Today?

Last night was the final session of my latest Hearts & Minds divorce recovery group. We talk about all sorts of things in the group and last night, the topic turned to crying. Someone asked if it’s bad that she’s still crying at her stage of recovery. That led to everyone comparing notes about if they are still crying every day, what type of crying and what the triggers are (if they even need one).

I am not a crier in general but when I think back to the early months after my husband left, crying was a big feature. The really deep loud sobbing crying took place in my therapist's office where I would wad tissues into a soggy ball that grew in my hand as the session went on from ping-pong ball size to baseball size to softball size by the end. It must have been hard for my therapist but she got it; her own husband had left in the same way.

I remember standing in a long, slow-moving line at the bank and as soon as I reached the teller, I burst into tears. Embarrassed. And, of course, in the car if a song came on the radio and I would dissolve into breathless tears, pulling over to the side of the road so I could let it out.

So many stations of crying:

Howling till you’re exhausted

Heartbroken wailing until you’re nauseous

Sobbing

Stifled tears

Tears falling silently from your eyes into your pillow at night

Sniffling crying

Outraged crying because something awful just happened

Crying even though nothing particular is going on

Crying from triggers, large and small: his notes in the margin of his favorite recipe in a cook book, his handwriting on the box of Christmas ornaments, YOUR together song coming on the radio (for me it was Stevie Wonder’s, I Just Called to Say I Love You. It still gets me 18 years later).

The woman in the Hearts & Minds group who asked the question said that when she sobs, it’s a release and she feels better after. I can relate to that - catharsis. Can you? 

Another woman said that she was crying about the loss of what was supposed to be her life. 

Another practically advised that if you keep really busy, you have less time to go there.

One woman in the group who is further along said she is not crying every day but still can get triggered.

I suppose that most of us in the Runaway Husbands community cried every day for weeks and months right after our husband left and then it slowly started to taper off. Then you’d surprise yourself when you realized, “Oh! I didn’t cry at all yesterday!”

But we remain vulnerable for a long time due to the magnitude of the hurt. Crying is natural and therapeutic. It is a release. It’s best, if you can, however, to time crying judiciously. Like, not at work and not too much in front of the kids (I know some of you will disagree with me on that one). If you can and maybe you can’t in the beginning.

So let us know below, did you cry today? What are the triggers for you? Does it feel good or leave you feeling depleted? Whatever it is, please wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug. It’s okay that you cry, even if it’s been a long time since he left. Just remember to love yourself, no matter what!