What Happened to Belle Burden in “Strangers” Has a Name
As soon as Belle Burden’s memoir, Strangers, was published earlier this month, I started receiving urgent emails in my in-box. Women from my Runaway Husbands community had heard her interviewed or read the review in the New York Times wanted to make sure that I knew about the book. They were excited - her story mirrored their own so closely that it was eerie. But then, what happened to Belle Burden is classic Wife Abandonment Syndrome, the series of events that take place when a man suddenly leaves from what his wife believed to be a happy stable marriage.
When my husband left me without having previously breathed a word about being unhappy or thinking of leaving, as a marriage counsellor, I knew I had to understand what happened. How does a man morph overnight from a loving husband to an angry stranger? I started researching this unusual form of divorce and was blown away by the results. The 400 women who responded to my questionnaire told the same story over and over, sometimes word for word, as if their husbands had all read from the same playbook.
That study led to my book, Runaway Husbands, and the development of a worldwide community of women recovering from the trauma of having been left out-of-the-blue. Women just like Belle Burden who experienced all of the Ten Hallmarks of Sudden Wife Abandonment:
Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, emotionally engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.
The husband had never said that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.
The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.
Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.
By the time the husband reveals his intentions to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and he often moves out quickly.
The husband’s behavior changes radically, so much so that it seems to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.
The husband shows no remorse; rather, he blames his wife and may describe himself as the victim.
In almost all cases, the husband had been having an affair.
The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been completely extinguished.
Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband denies what he had previously described as positive aspects of the couple's joint history.
Belle Burden’s book, apart from being a fascinating read, is important because it shines a light on this particular kind of divorce. Women who experience Wife Abandonment Syndrome feel that they must be the only one in the world to whom this has happened. They are deeply traumatized, as their future becomes unrecognizable. But almost worse than that, their departing husband often diminishes and dismantles their past, saying he was never happy. They feel crazy and alone. Learning that this is “a thing” that can happen to anyone is profoundly healing and soothes their souls.
Belle writes: “He never told me, not once, that he was discontent in our marriage, unhappy with me, or struggling in our life together.” Classic Wife Abandonment Syndrome.
So many of the things that Belle experienced are well known to our community members:
When his eyes turn cold
Not being able to eat (most lose a significant amount of weight)
His family cutting her off
The feeling that it was like a switch was flicked - he totally turned off
Feeling that there must be something wrong with her for not having seen the signs (there were no signs)
That her husband had no regret
The fact that there’s no way around it; you have to go through it
And, my favorite that I write about in Runaway Husbands: doing a jigsaw puzzle is a good way to survive a long quiet painful evening alone.
By recounting her story, Belle Burden will be helping women who will now know that they are not crazy and not alone. And that they too can go through and come out the other side, whole.
