It has been a little over two years. I was married for 18 years and have three beautiful daughters. My ex pretended to have a burn out and took a month of work. He was distant, but started to paint the house, made house improvements, spend lots of money, told me and his psych that I was a supportive wife. But he changed so much that I had a hard time. We fought at Christmas and Boxing day I asked him what was happening to us, and he said: I am leaving, I met someone nicer than you, and he was gone in half an hour.
My husband was a good husband, nurturing to me and my kids, made life fun, cooked, helped with the cleaning and fixing the house. He almost overdid it, he took charge of everything, at times making me feel inadequate. He would outdo himself and then complain that he did everything. I told him to slow down, that I loved him anyway. He felt I did not appreciate him enough.It was always about him, i learned to take a backseat, I stopped being myself.
When he left, I felt I was to blame. Now my life is empty. The pain was unbearable. I stopped eating and sleeping and ended up in the hospital. He told my lawyer I was in there because I was an alcoholic. I have always loved wine, but then I could not drink. I was there because I was heartbroken. He has tried everything to make me look bad, and I believed what he said. I was bad, not worth anything. I have been fighting ever since not to feel like a victim. Whenever my kids were gone, I cried, wailed, like I have never done before, I scared myself. I felt he had died and worse, all the good times and love and respect for him, were an illusion. I found out that he cheated on me for many years. It brought me down more. My kids are caught in the middle. My youngest one got involved in drugs, is confused, and the latest is that she decided to live with him full time, because she does not get along with me. She broke my heart. My oldest one lives with me and wants little to do with her father. The middle one divides her time equally. My life was a fairy tale for 18 years, and then everything fell apart. I am still in a fight with my ex through lawyers. It has cost me a lot of money, but at least I do not have to fight with him. He has been very angry with me.
I have a good job and I am well educated. I can support myself and my children and pay for the house. I feel lucky. My ex is a manual type of guy and not intellectual. He has always had a feeling of inferiority. His mother is a clean freak and domineering. His father is a sweety but totally ineffectual. Both have had no education. His whole family has not talked to me since he left. They were my family, since my family is in Europe. It left me devastated. I and my kids needed them desparately when we were in crisis,but we had to manage alone.
i miss my ex terribly and I still love him and will always love him. I wish I could let him go completely, and move on. I am advancing in my career, and am doing well. Thank God for my job.
I read books by Paulo Coelho. I listen to the birds.I try to do what is right. I hang to my beliefs. I get support from my mother and sister. But I feel soooo alone, so abandoned. I tell myself that when I cry, I will not have to do that again, I will have advanced.
I know what I want though. I want to be with someone that can deal with his emotions, and express them. So I know what is going on, and not be surprised again. All your stories have been so familiar. It gives me great support. I have had a hard time writing mine, it was too painful. But here it is.
Emma, your story is so familiar to me. My husband sounds like he could be the same man and we have lived a similiar life. I have a good job and am a professional woman, my husbands job was more manual. We relied on his family totally and they live nearby. He left suddenly and dramatically and without any warning, we never even fought. It turns out he has a girlfriend 10 years younger and that the reason for leaving, i.e he was not happy was a smokescreen for his affair. His family have not spoken to me since he left. Total abandonment. For the longest time it felt like the worst kind of bullying. His mother is also obsessed with housework and has little else to occupy her. It seems to me that she develops in her children total reliance on her for practical support such as childcare and then shows indifference emotionally, an ability to disconnect. His father likes to take the easy way out and will not disturb the status quo as set by his mother.
How have I coped? Not well at first, the chatterbox in my head would not stop. The thoughts would go round and round in a neverending spiral. I have kept busy at work and been supported by great friends and my mum. I have more recently started to go out and enjoy myself and these distractions have been a key part in feeling more able to cope. Keep yourself busy and focus on you. Always you, never them.
Oh yes - that chatterbox in my head. Any suggestions for how to shut it off? Both your stories help me and I really need the support.
The chatterbox thing is very familiar. It is horrible. I wrote all my chatter in a diary for two years. I talked to my sister who kept on picking out the right and the wrong stuff. But it always came back. I did listen to her and my friends, and kept repeating in my mind what they had said. After a while I realized they were right. They are not involved, they are more objective. Yes, he is wrong, and so is his family, but they (my friends and family) told me that I was so much ahead of them. They (his family) were in a box, unable to think outside of it. At first i thought, maybe I am in a box, and I am a bad person. I did not want to believe. But I hang on to what I believe is right, honesty and respect, and recognizing when your ego is talking. (read Eckhart Tolle's The New Earth). I was so insecure about myself. I am on a high right now, because I turned 50 (today) and my kids made me a surprise party this weekend, invited friends I had not seen for a while, made supper for 18 people, and made me cry. All my friends had wounds, they lost their loved ones to cancer or were fighting cancer, some lost loved ones through suicide, we are were together but we all had wounds. To see them again, was so healing, and to know that we all suffer, made me feel less alone. Above all, they were there for me, and I did not even realize they even thought about me (I was convinced I had no more friends!). And...my ex, well, he was no longer important. And he is less and less. But it all takes time and strength in believing what is right. Yes, I still love him, but I need to do the right thing.
Please hang in there, together we will survive.
Thank you, Emma. I am trying to keep going day by day, although the weather and the isolated area where I live make getting out of the yard difficult.
My cousin called the chatterboxes in her head the 'demon employees' and when they arrived for work, she fired them. They would come back, but she kept firing them until they stayed away. Hasn't worked for me yet, but I'll keep trying.
I appreciate your contact, very much.
Sharon, how long have you been separated?
I also feel demons is a good description of those horrible thoughts (self doubt, guilt) that play in our heads and that you need to fight off constantly (or fire).
I am using a lawyer right now to help me to divide the assets we had without me having to confront my ex. It is not going his way and he is mad. I had a fight with my 16 year old daughter. Asked her to do her homework before an activity and she flipped. After hitting me and her sister and damaging two cars, she decided to live with my ex full time. She yelled the same things at me that my ex says about me. My ex blames me, says I hurt everybody around me. Even phoned my 80 year old mother in Europe to complain about me!!He seems to have insights about my money situation, I did get a small inheritance last year (to which he has no right to). The only people here who knew are my children and my best friend. Now I have to wonder who told him? I think I confided in one of my children with the message not to tell him, and she is not on good terms with him.It seems he cannot rest without destroying all that I have, but this is where I need to be strong and believe in honesty, love and trust and hang onto it for dear life. But these stupid things are nothing compared to the loneliness I feel. I think that is a big part of your pain as well it seems. But you are not alone. There are so many like us. Time will help. Take care.
I have been alone for just over 2 months now. I still wake up wondering how I arrived in this moment. Because I completely misjudged my companion of 33 years, I can trust no one, including myself. My ex calls me 'deceitful' and 'practised in deceit' - he is the one who had planned this abandonment for over 2 years, complete with a bloodletting lawyer. My inheritance is safe but my home of 40 years, on an acreage with my horses and dogs, will have to go. So will the horses; the dogs are a question at this time. My lawyer scares me. He is so brusque and rigid, but apparently good at what he does. I hope he scares the opposition too.
Thank you for your comments.
It always freaks me out to come back here and read all these srories because of how alike we are. His family also disappeared from our lives after he left. The worst was one of his relatives, whom I was particulary close to, I loved very much, told me how nice the new girlfriend was and all I needed to do was go out and find a boyfriend. Well, that my friend did not good over very well. I lost it. For two days I locked myself in my bedroom, I didn't eat (I lost over 30lbs after this happened, I call it My Husband Left Me for His Tramp Diet) and I popped Zanax. I was pretty much unconscience the whole time. I was in so much pain, I say it's like someone who has a disease that causes physical pain so much you would do anything to end it, anything. That how much it hurt. It's getting better. I listen to the Daughtry song, Over You, and I think I can't wait to get there and I am, getting there. I have people who love me, my family (YAY for them), my friends (YAY for them too) and most importantly my children. They are the best. My son and I have the same sence of humor, so our joy is making each other laugh, finishing each other's jokes. My other son, my big baby, almost 20, when he hugs me, I feel it. I know they love me. Believe me it took a long time but I knew I was getting better when, about two months ago, I'm driving in my car and singing to the music. I actually caught myself, I said, wow, I'm actually happy. It was good. So long in coming. I still have my days, but it will only last a day and I get back up. I have to go to school,I need to feed the cat, there is always something that needs to be done, no choice.No choice. I still miss him too, crazy, eh? Maybe it's just the companionship, I don't know. All I know is my bed is way too big. I can't help it, I miss him.
I agree with you Fran, it blows me away as well, to read our similar stories. I was told by his family to "pull up my socks", "to get doing stuff",to "turn the page", and then they disappeared out of my life. My ex's father phoned me by mistake the other day (my number must still be in his speed dial..), and asked who he was speaking to, I said my name, and he responded: Oh, I have the wrong number...
That family was my family, I loved, and spend much time with for 20 years, all the birthdays, all the christmasses, frequent occasional get togethers...My psychologist told me that is additional grieving process. For me there were three: him, his family, and the rejection (with a death you have only one)
I also lost 15 lbs in two weeks, could not work, and ended up in the hospital, popping pills, just to stop the pain. I had anxiety attacks, night mares. That is all gone now. I have a good job and can function without drugs...(but I drink too much wine and started smoking after quitting for 10 years...). But, like you, I am so aware of how I feel. I have sung in my car with the radio, and thought, geez, I am happy, what a wonderful feeling, and the next day, is like you want to hide in a hole in the ground. There are more and more happy days, so I know I am healing. I am so lonely and would love another companion, but I still love and miss him. He was such a joy in my life and my kids life. But the dark side was difficult, he did not comprehend the finer things, the compassion, the specialness of life, he got mad whenever there was a difficult situation. But I would have put up with it, because I loved him. This is why I miss him, and yes, my bed is also way too big. I still look at his place every night, after more than two years. Why? I do not know, because he certainly does not deserve it. I am glad for you, you have a good relation with your kids and they love you, and you know, it is the most important thing.
You are freaking me out! Right down to the drinking too much wine and the smokes, I know. My yougest son lives with his father. He tells me that my ex doesn't understand what the big deal is. That's why I don't talk to him. I can't. It hurts so much and he wants to talk about the weather. Short of killing or raping someone, this is probably the worst thing he'll ever do, yet, what's the big deal. He tore my life to pieces. I miss my life. I had to leave the city where we lived because I think I would have hurt someone if I stayed there. These two people are so wrapped up in themselves that the pain my children and I suffered is non-existent. I can't just let that slide and talk to him like we're friends! He's delusional. When I was a child I was sexually abused by my stepfather for 10 years. I had my day in court where society looked at him and said what you did was wrong and so you're going to jail. I have no contact with that person because he's a monster. With my ex I feel like I've been traumatized all over again. It's tough. Society tells us we have a no-fault divorce, so not his fault. it's sick. So what do I get, half of his stuff, that's fair! it's mine anyway. No justice there. My problem I have now is how to handle another relationship. I have a friend (over 20 years) that is interested. I adore him but I think my ex left me because of some fatal fault, why would I inflict that on someone else? If he knew me well he wouldn't want to stick around, I just couldn't do this again. Not to mention the trust. I'm so weary of everything he says to me. He's either the sweetest guy in the world or taking me for a ride. Not capable of trust. It's not him, it's me. I know that. Of course I know allot of things but that doesn't stop my heart from thinking on it's own. I really like this guy, he makes me feel like a desirable woman again and I've known him for so long that it's just natural. No trust though. if I couldn't trust the man I was married to for so long (almost 18 years we were together) then who? I hate what he has done to me. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I just wish I could get over this hump. I've come a long way, believe me, but I'm still hurting. I wish I could punch him in the face and yell at him to wake the hell up! At least acknowledge what he did. Not going to happen though. Very frustrating.
The lack of acknowledgement is the hardest part.
You're right: they devastate you and your life and to them it's no big deal. It's like they only stepped on an ant. The problem is that you're the ant.
I would give anything for my husband to say to me that he knows what he did caused incredible pain for me and our children. He won't. The last time I tried talking to him, almost a year ago, it was all about him.
But don't take this to mean there is anything wrong with you.
I've been doing a lot of reading in the past year, and one of the best things I read was that husbands leave because they are unhappy. But not because they are unhappy with their wives. They leave because they are unhappy with themselves.
Emma V said...
It is amazing, our stories.
It is interesting that you moved. many people have advised me to sell my house and move, so all the memories would be gone. I guess it does not really help.
I also cannot talk to him like we are friends. I just cannot get over that, if he would have left in a different way, with compassion, maybe, but he left leaving a mess and blaming me for everything, while he cheated on me all through the marriage, while I had full confidence in him...no, never will I trust him again.
I also find it interesting you mentioned that you were abused. When I was at my lowest point (in hospital 2 weeks after he left, in the psych ward) I was convinced I was abused by my father when I was very young. Now I am not sure anymore, because my memories play tricks on me. My father is a horrible man, and was never affectionate or caring, but if he abused me I do not know for sure. My sister went through a similar episode a few years ago. I have let it go, it is no longer an issue, but it was at that time. In addition, I also had a friend who separated around the same time as me, and he came over and I went to see him. We made love and it felt great, but I knew he was not the one. I still talk to him over the phone a few times a week, and he shares all his secrets with me, including his attempts at finding girlfriends and his anger at his ex. Now I am more his psych than anything else. (I have also known him for 20 years) We have a lot in common!!I was also married 18 years, but he betrayed me just before that with his new girlfriend...so as far as I am concerned not quite 18 years.
For me, it would also make a difference if he showed remorse, or at least acknowledge the pain he caused to me and the girls. But I know it will never happen. And Joan is right. It does not say anything about us, I know my ex has been unhappy, he was like that when I met him. He has always been insecure, felt never good enough, no matter what you did or said. I am sure he cannot be happy now either, he is chronically unhappy, always a victim of someone. And yet he could be such a beautiful person, it is really a shame, he has many talents, and is very generous when he wants to be.And I don't think he knows how much I miss him, how much I loved him.
Don't be afraid to take a chance on another man.
If this long-time friend was someone you liked and trusted before all this happened, then give it a try. Chances are he's still that same guy. It's you who have changed.
Unfortunately, because of what your husband did you have been changed into someone who doubts their own worth and who thinks that there must be something wrong with them.
Don't believe it. Hold your head up high, you are a good person that something bad has happened to.
Emma V. (formerly Emma) said...
I know what Fran feels.
It is like something has been killed inside.
We can never believe in a wonderful fairy tale like relationship. There is always the doubt. I wish it would go away, but it does not. I was so happy, and believed the man I was with would never let me down. How can you change from that?
How can you still be the same person, and give yourself completely?
It is trust that is so important. Right now I can only trust myself. I have a house, a job and my kids. I keep telling myself how lucky I am. But then there is today...it snows, my kids are all gone (one lives at my ex, the other has the week with him, and the oldest one is gone to another city to be with her boyfriend). I have a smoke in the garage, my ex's past territory. I ask myself how I can go on. How can I ever love someone else again? How can I go on? Without someone, who believes in me, loves me, and does not lie. Last night I was counting the times I felt bad when he was with another woman, now I know he probably cheated on me 11 times. i am sick of feeling sorry for myself. It is not appropriate. I have to be positive and cute, and take care of myself. Stop feeling a victim. But I know what Fran is feeling, what are the motives behind her friend? Yes, you are right. It is wrong, she is beautiful, and worthwhile. And she should not let a nice man get away. But there is a place deep in our heart that still hurts. Can this man overcome that? If yes, go for it. Will Fran be able to let go? I hope so, because she deserves to be loved. She is indeed a beautiful person, worth loving. But I can feel her pain, her doubt, and her desire to be in a safe place. never, never, do we want to feel that pain again, it would be the end...
WOW all of you so mirror my story, it's long so I won't go from start to finish. The biggest difference is the whole children part, YOU who have them are soooo fortunate! I don't have any, two adorable dogs which I am so grateful for everyday. I have been 18 months left by the love of my life and if it wasn't for MY faith I wouldn't be here either. I know that suicide is a sin but sometimes......I won't go there anymore just know that living is what I have to do until my time is over here on earth. I was told that there "was no one else" so many times and believed him. I was accused of cheating myself which was NOT true, I was happily married and in it for the "long Haul" I thought! He is now married to his significant "there is no one else" she has one son 14 years old, that part hurts so much because I was accused of not wanting children....that was never the case, I would have LOVED having them, couldn't afford them. Thanks for your notes, I've read them and they have helped me a lot!! Tammy
Thanks girls. It feels good to talk to others who know how I feel. My aunt told me the other day that she didn't think I would ever stop greiving. I have spoken to others who have had their spouses die on them and the pain is sooo much the same. Yet I know that they look at me and think well it's not the same. No it isn't. I always say that the worst thing that could happen to me as a mother would be if one of my kids went missing, not knowing where they are, what is happening to them. I would think that would be worst then them dying. Well, my friend, this is worst then the husband dying. I also know people who have gone through similar situations, where their spouse left them and they sprung back on their feet much quicker then I did. So this is good. I don't feel like the odd man out. When it comes to faith, well..... I use to be a devote Catholic. I found comfort in my faith while I was dealing with everything that I went through as a child. I also dealt with what happened a long time ago with a good therapy (notice how I say good, I can't believe some of these people who call themselves therapist, funny!) and my faith. Now, I question it. I have led my life in such a way, I volunteered extensivly at my childrens schools, I put others before myself, helped any one who crossed my path, I do so much for others. I am the "go to" person for my family and where I used to live, my friends and my community. I try to lead my life the way God wanted, do on to others as have done to yourself. Well, that didn't work. It's funny because last year I had a friend of my cousin's, who was married, hit on me. His wife found out about it. When she comfronted me, I told her the truth. I had told him to smarten up and go home to his family. She left him (I wasn't the only one) now we're best friends. She's a smart, wonderful, strong woman and this man appreiciated nothing. I felt bad because he put me in that situation but I told him off. Not the first time either. I've had other men while I was married who did the same thing and my answer was always the same. I had no need to go looking else where and not to mention that I loved and respected my husband. I wouldn't have wanted him to do that to me. Well, he did. How can you have faith in something that tells you that if you lead your life in a just and generous way it will reflect in your own life? My faith has been shaken so badly that it scares me. What if there is nothing? All we have is this? We're just highly evolved animals and our concept of ourselves as having souls is just something we believe to make it easier to deal with a life that we know will come to an end some day? Scary, isn't it? He has taken so much away from me, my husband, my children, my life, my faith. It's not good.
Anyway, no update on the guy. I was gone for a week and came back to a message that he was looking for me. I just don't know what to do with him. He's gone to the other side of the country until the end of the month. I'm sure he'll be on my doorstep when he gets back. A big part of me is excited but the other is hestitant. I still feel like a whack job. Don't want to lay any of this on him. Maybe I'll just enjoy it while it last, and forget about this crap for awhile, because believe me, when I'm talking to him or with him the last thing on my mind is this horror show. One last thing, I want to you all to listen to the song How Long by the Eagles. You'll cry but it makes sense. Keep strong.
Emma V said...
I think part of growing is to accept that "stuff happens", like Joe said.
It does not matter if you are good or bad, life is very cruel sometimes.
I think I have always been aware of this. I have at times imagined hardship when I was with my ex. I thought we are such a happy couple and we have everything, how come some people have so little? My husband used to say: because we worked so hard for it...and I always said, there are so many people who work hard, and don't have the stuff we have, instead they have misery. I thought maybe one day it will hit us and we will be able to bear it, because we are so strong.
I did not know that shortly thereafter, almost everything was taken from me, my life completely changed. I never thought I would have to face it alone. I thought maybe my ex would be injured and I would look after him, or the reverse, or something with our kids. Now I ask, maybe I took him for granted. Or, maybe I was deceived in some horrible way. A big joke. yes, a death is easier, I am sure. At least you can have a good memory, and get respect in your grieving. I have been thrown in the garbage by him and his family, something I never, never, expected. And his family is devout Roman catholic (love thy neighbour....). I have rejected any religion from the time I was a child. My mother was blind, and they made me think that she could just be healed by Jesus, or something, and I thought that was all bullshit, and it just got worse the more I knew.
The most painful thing is for me, to think you have a friend (soulmate), and then they let you down....someone you were willing to give your life for. It is a cruel joke. It makes you stop right in your track. Nothing is the same after.
On that note, Fran:Go for it, have fun, enjoy life, it is sooooo short!!!!
Ladies Ladies Ladies, YOU all have told such beautiful stories and how healing takes SOOOO much time. GOD I truly believe brought us to this part of our lives "for a reason" HE knows WE are the strong women of the world and HE knows because we are all so strong that others will look up to us for being able to cope! My Bob, was MY life, I was in it forEVER no questions asked, ALL of my friends said our marriage was the one they were all jealous of? I coveted my marriage to him, I was proud of it. I worked hard to keep him happy and LOVED every minute of it! NOW, I do feel let down by GOD but also know that HE has a plan for me and my life has already been decided I just have to follow HIS signs and magical things keep happening to me, REALLY magical. My faith has not waivered only gotten stronger, I pray for ALL of you to come back to GOD! HE will see you through, I CAN only bet that there are friends and family of ALL of you courageous women out there that look up to you for being able to stay alive and keep going through this tremendously hard time in our lives, GOD needs people LIKE us to show others WHY we are here on this earth! Always keep in mind many of the women of the world NEVER had 10 to 28 years of blissful romance and happiness like all of us, we have to remember to be THANKFUL for getting to have that many years of love! Many (like three of my close friends as I speak) have NEVER enjoyed what I had for 14 WONDERFUL years! Now it is my turn to help them and be a positive and GOD fearing friend, they look up to me for advice now and that feels so good! LOVE you all and Thanks for this web site to expose my feelings on and PLEASE all of you, RETHINK GOD!! Don't run away from him, watch for his magic everyday. YOU because you are all who you are, will see it!!! It starts out with little things but BIG things are on the horizon for all of you!
Emma V. said...
Thank you for your words, they mean a lot.
You are absolutely right that I have to be grateful for 18 years of pure bliss with my husband. I was happy, and I also know people who never had what I had. I am grateful for that, and I did thank my ex for that, after he left. I have a hard time to believe that he was not happy (I think he was most of the tme..) but if he was not happy and I was, it would be awful for him. But if I did not know or even if I did, what could I do, I am just me, and doing the best I can. I never wanted to hurt him. If he really was not happy, it must be a good thing that he left. I just do not like the way he left. And his anger and lies he threw at me after he left.
I do not think about God the same way you do, but I am spiritual, and I am observant about messages I get (dreams, people, animals) There is definitely a higher power, and I respect that.
And I believe in the principles of Christianity, but not in organized religion, too many problems with that. I do express my gratefulness to this higher power. And I also believe that all serves a purpose. And it helps me a lot.
To you all! Gosh the more I read the more I just can't get over how much our stories all resemble each others! Your world totally shattered, your mind, life, thoughts, actions, beliefs I could go on and on are just turned inside out, upside down and backwards because WE were all IN LOVE totally unaware that our "loves or our lives" were not happy or so they tell us! BUT the most amazing thing to me is how EVERY one of you has stated how they turn it around and BLAME us for it! The accusations I have read I have been accused to a TEE of! I think to this day 19 months later (my ex just got married three weeks ago today) truly I have to believe I am lucky to be done with it all. Can you imagine being the "new" wife and for the rest of your life you will have to sleep with one eye open, never could you trust him again. And how can they ever feel they could for the way they left us and blamed us for everything! I have had so many blessing given to me over the last 19 months, new clients(I am a horse trainer) family, friends, my church and so on that I know there is a GOD, I go to an Evangelical Free Church so we just read and study the Bible and try to live like good people. Not Lutheran, Methodist or Catholic! Just believers in GOD and that being a good person is the most important thing in life, honest, caring, loving etc. sounds LIKE EACH and every one of us doesn't it!! Keep your heads up your hearts in the right place and the magic will come back into your life, LET it! Cry some, smile lots, and keep telling yourself to be content every minute of every day just keep saying I am content.I am content, and happy, you will find you soon will be! Even during the hard times,I don't know it works for me! Keep writing these comment stories they are fun to relate too!!
I think about what's up with the other woman. What it must be like to trust someone like that. I read a study the other day that said that the drug Oxycotin, which is the same hormone that is released during an orgasim, gives the person a sense of trust. Whether it is real or not, just a perception. That explains alot. The other thing I'm tired of people telling me that this was all him, he made this choice. Give me a break. This "woman" came to my son an apologized to him for this! Don't make me laugh! If this is her trying to show that she has a conscience or some remorse, well...... a little too late, don't you think? She was not the one who is away from her children, lost her home, seen her bank account depeleted to lawyers. therapy, moving (you get the idea), suffered through an emotional breakdown, just everything. If she had any kind of a clue at least it wouldn't have been her. I think nothing would give me greater satisfaction than to lay all of this on her. I can't wait until he pulls the same thing with her. I mean, c'mon, he who doesnot learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them. The next pretty one who pays attention to him, he's gone again. I have no doubt. He is self-centered and leaving her will be even easier. No lawyers, no kids. A walk in the park. After walking away from a long term marriage without even trying to make an attempt to fix anything, ha, she'll be a breeze. It might not happen right away, might even take a couple of years but when it does, I'll be on there, pointing & laughing (HA ha). I have patience.
Fran!! Love your thoughts on the NON significant other! I called her I think about three times and candidly asked her about she and my (ex)HUSBAND before the END. She defiantely said, "no there is nothing between us. I go to church, Tammy every Sunday and believe in GOD and there is NO way." She even sent me a self help book on saving a marriage! I read part of it, by the time I got into it I was way to sure there was something going on. THEN I got the cell phone records, which HE slept next to every night! Not kidding he kept it in the bed, I now have, ha, and records proove he talked to her for HOURS when NOTHING was going on. But to get back to YOUR fabulous comments, CAN you imagine after how he walked out, robbed me not only of every dime I had, my sanity at the time, my life that she could EVER feel confident that he would not do the same to her one day?? COME ON!! Well my life is getting back on track day by day, minute by minute, but am feeling more confident everyday that GOD has a GREAT plan for me and I just have to follow HIS leads!!
My husband left me for a woman who was still married - to her third husband - and who had had several affairs over the years.
Personally, I'm waiting for her to leave him! As Dr. Phil says: The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.
When it happens, I doubt he'll go through the same heartbreak and suffering my children and I have gone through - since it will be with someone he doesn't have the same, long-term history with - but even a little would be nice!!
Maybe then he'll begin to understand what he has done to us.
Geez, this post is getting too long!
Anyway, I hear you sister! That to is on my wish list. Either way would be fine with me. The only problem with mine is that she, as far as I know, has never been married but has children. I think she is at the age where she was looking for a long term relationship. From the way my son speaks of her she is a real doormat so she'll tolerate him. So for me it's much more realistic to think that he'll leave her before she leaves him, but that would be sweet! For her to tell him exactly what he told me, Just get over it! And just walk away. If a genie shows up offering three wishes, boy that definitely would be one of them!
Yup - I think this section is getting too long too, so I posted my last commment on coping on "Tricks that helped you cope" instead.
Easter is here. Another holiday; more memories.
I think it is getting better and I hope the rest of you, my sisters out there, make it safely through the holidays, having at least some great smiles along the way.
Emma V. said...
i wish you all a happy easter.
I had a hard evening. But my kids are coming tomorrow and they said they would make me supper. So that makes it better. My oldest daughter told me today, that her boyfriend told her that she seems unhappy, and that he can't make her happy. She wants her father, I know. She says she does not want to go there, because she (his new girlfriend) talks too much, and he is fixing things in the house (her father is a manual guy). She wants his attention, and she does not get it. He does not take time for her.Tonight I cried again, it is getting less, but it does not go away. I feel guilty, my family is broken, and my kids are hurting, and I cannot make it better. I do my best, but the "family" is no longer there, and I would have wanted to give that to my kids, and I can't. this is what hurts so much. I do not want to hurt my kids and they are hurting. What can I do? It affects their life so much, their relationships, something so precious. Sometimes I feel the urge to want to meet the new woman in his life. To show her we are for real, I am a human being. To meet her, and make her aware of who the woman was in his life, the mother of his children. To have peace, with her and my ex. I find it hard to live with negativity. But I am also not that strong. I am scared to be disappointed. I am learning that we are all connected. That me feeling me, is not all that useful. I am part of a whole, and the energy is part of us all. I hate separateness, I want to belong. But I am terrified to be hurt again. Maybe I have to wait until my divorce is settled, and 4 years have passed. This is what it seems to take. I am going to buy the house and I am not sure how I will be financially, I have to pay him a huge sum of money, and I have to renegotiate the mortgage. Stuff I have to do alone, and it scares me. Will I be able to pull it off? I hope so. And then I will feel proud. Because I survived not only emotionally, but financially. But my kids? They are damaged, and I would have done anything to prevent that. I wrote to him, and told him, she needed him (my daughter), she is not well. But there is no response. He does not talk to me anymore. He is super mad at me. God help me. I want to be strong for my kids. I want them to be well. I am scared.
Oh sweetie, I know. I hate that I know but I do. This weekend was a tough one for me too. I spent the weekend with my aunt and uncle and their family. I watched as my little cousins hunted for eggs and ate too much chocolate. It was hell. To make matters worst it was my oldest son's birthday yesterday. This is the first time I've been away from them for any occassion. My youngest spent Easter day with his girlfriend's family. Neither one of them were with their Dad. My family is blown to pieces and he doesn't care. This was his family too. My babies......all I ever wanted was for them to have a happy family, now they don't even have one. I miss them so much, it hurts. How can anyone in their right mind do this to their kids? What the hell is wrong with these people. I don't understand. All I want is to understand. Last night I drank waaaaay too much wine and cried with my cousins. They are so great! It was the first time in awhile that I cried. I hate this so much. I also know about the money thing. Stressful!!! I bought a pretty house and I hate it. I though my son would stay with me and it would be full of his friends, like before. Now he's gone and this damn house is too big. It's like a huge reminder everytime I come back to it that I'm alone. I feel like I've been pushed off a cliff and I'm still waiting to hit the ground. Yeah, it's scary!
Emma V. said...
I had a really nice day with my kids yesterday afternoon, it was nice. They spend the morning doing an easter hunt with his new family....here is my ego speaking: I did this for all of their lives...and now "she" gets to have the fun...
there, That felt good.
Resentment is no good. As long as the kids are happy..
I was happy they were with me, we had a fondue, and we talked, my oldest girl's boyfriend was there too. But it feels more and more as if they are visiting. Two out of the three girls went back to my ex place. My oldest one worked today. But the divorce came at the same time as my kids are getting more and more independent, and my oldest one will move out for the whole summer, she will be living with her boyfriend in another province. So, the divorce and empty nest kind of came at the same time.
Fran, me too, at times I drink too much wine. It is ok to let go, and to cry. Don't be too hard on yourself. My psychologist told me that drinking makes you more depressed....and I think she might be right. But it hasn't stopped me yet.
I am still doing ok, I am talking to someone through a dating site. Who knows. I feel on some days the clouds are lifting, and I can see some kind of future for me, with a reasonable guy, who has compassion, and IS NORMAL. In the meantime, I try to just go with the flow, feel scariness, anger, jealousy, envy, sadness. I think that is being human. We all get our turn, even those who try to flee.
Right now, it feels good to be able to share with all of you. why is that? Thanks.
Easy, because we get it.
Emma V said...
There is an article in the Globe and Mail this morning about men who have left a marriage, feeling regret. Interesting....
It may not happen until they are dumped though..
Reading these posts make me feel like we all came out of the same mold. Your stories are the same as my story. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone that others are going through the range of emotions I am. Emma and Fran, I'm right in there with you on the smoking and the wine. I'm not proud of it but it helps somewhat to get through the lonely evenings at home. And the family stories! I've been close to his family, especially his parents for 14 years. I've talked to his mom twice since he left and both times she's acted very distant and cold. This is the woman that I called "Mom" and who always ended a phone call with "I love you". And our friends. I'm really finding out that most of "our" friends were actually his. They or their wives don't want anything to do with me. I don't know what kind of crap he's told everyone but it must have been convincing. How else would normal, good, decent people think that it's okay for a man to just walk away and abandon his wife and home of fourteen years? But they're all on his side and no one has asked my views and most likely never will. That really makes me mad. I want to be heard!
I feel very fortunate, actually, as my parents-in-law have been very good to me throughout this ordeal. They are disgusted with their son's behaviour and have barely been on speaking terms with him. For his part, he refuses to make peace with them until they acknowledge the new woman by his side. For their part, they won't condone what he did and don't want anything to do with her.
When my husband first left, my mother-in-law flew into town on short notice to help me out with the kids and make sure that I was not alone(at the time, my older child was four and I was also looking after a two-month-old baby(). I think she was hoping to change his mind about leaving, but I think her egging him on hardened his resolve. From my perspective, it was interesting watching her berate him. He certainly deserved it! At any rate, it was good that she was there, because in the first few days (and actually for many more, thereafter), I was in a state of shock. I threw up every morning for the first few months.
In many ways, I am closer to my in-laws now than before the separation. I talk almost every day to my mother-in-law and am grateful to have a woman with such strength and integrity as an ally.
Emma V said...
You are indeed lucky your mother in law is supportive of you. I could also understand if she would eventually accept the new woman in your ex's life. No, it is not fair and all that, but shutting someone out is not ideal either.Why choose?
I am very proud of my mother. When my brother split up with his wife (he was not an ideal husband) my mother just continued to consider his ex as her daughter, and actually I have never thought of her otherwise (as my sister). She is part of the family and will always be, no doubt in anybody's mind. I thought the same would happen to me. I am the mother of their grandchildren, how could I be shut out?
On top of that, I have no family here. All my family is in Europe. They know that. In fact my husband's lawyer tried to get custody of my children stating that I could not look after my kids because I had no help from my family because they were overseas...
When I read that I almost fainted.I had visions of losing all that I had ever loved.(My kids saw me sink, and I showed them what was in the letter from the lawyer. Perhaps I should not have, but I was completely in shock. My daughter phoned my ex, cried on the phone, the response of my ex: I did not write it, those are not my words, and blamed me for it)
I have lots of help from my parents and my sister. If it was not for them I would have really cracked.
The kids were living with me and they are old enough to speak their minds, so it all was stupid.
I am sure it will all come back to them. I can still get all my hairs up, but then I ask: why?
I will just do the best I can for my kids and me, and they can just be by themselves, one big happy family.
I agree that it is not a good thing to be shutting out her son (although that is what I think and not what I feel). Among other reasons, it confuses my kid as to why grandma doesn't want to see dad.
But that is not my place to be the middleman 9or middle woman) I can only work on my relationship with her, be the best daughter-in-law that I can be, and be the best mom that I can be to her grandkids.
Shite, this post really is too long -- perhaps because the title, "Coping", paints with a very broad brush.
"[T]he big deal is" that it IS a big deal for the person who didn't see the truck coming. The ex who drove the truck in the first place get to dismiss the damage, yes?
I acknowledge all the echoes going on, here, of words and thoughts and feelings shared. Now, the thing is to continue to learn from each other AND to try to make sure that the same horror happens to no one else ever again.
I too was totally abandoned not just by my husband but by his family and I just dont know why. I guess they are "humiliated"? never heard from them again. Mother runs the roost and about as affectionate as a inanimate object. Father a mouse. What is wrong with these people?? It is amazing to me how all our stories are so similar and familiar. The chatterbox you mention is also swirling in my head - my kingdom for the key to switch it off. Your in my prayers, love and hugs, Julia
Coping? Hard to describe how I coped when my husband left me to go drive a big rig truck-and live in it. Hard to think about right now with all the nights I cried and wanted to just die due to the hurt and pain. My husband didn't leave me for another woman like most on this site, but because he couldn't cope with his life or the mistakes HE made,
We were married at ages 22 and 23 when we were both stationed in the U.S. Navy in Pearl Harbor, HI, We had lots in common then, and some friends too. But that was then, and I have come to realize we had nothing much in common once I got out of the Navy-except our children: 2 sons, born 7 years, 11 months apart.
Due to my being in the Navy myself, and also being a career military wife because he stayed in for over 20 years, I feel that I had the upper edge when it came to coping skills and being by myself for months on end, raising the kids, paying bills, etc, This helped me overcome some of my being overwhelmed during the first months my husband walked out.
This isn't to say that I wasn't devastated with being abandoned either, I cried buckets, and it only took me two days to polish off a bottle of Sangria wine. I talked to my girl friends and brother, and asked them how could this have happened to "me" who is a good person, devoted and loving wife and mother?
I am still amazed after 7 months of him being gone, but so much has happened to me since them. Not only I am getting stronger each day, but helping my sons to cope too. They live with me and feel that their father neglected them too and never truly loved them for who they are due to his not being able to bond with them. In fact, my husband was an alien to them with nothing in common with him. They are now coping and living with hurtful truths, but with the strength of me, their mother beside them, to help them move on too.
I live by the saying "take one day at a time" as the truth, and even one minute at a time to cope with life's new adventures coming our way. And I always keep telling myself "It was him and his issues" that he left, and I did nothing wrong!