I haven't written in awhile. It's been 10 weeks and I'm really feeling depressed. I'm taking anti-anxiety meds which help somewhat but I'm still struggling to get through one day at a time. He doesn't call me and I'm not comfortable calling him. I've only seen him once since he left when he came to my workplace to sign the tax papers. I held it together until he was leaving then started crying. I could tell it made him very uncomfortable and he quickly got in his car and drove away. Why do I still love this guy? I keep telling myself that I'm better off, that I deserve better than a man who will run out on me and not look back. But I miss him, the house is lonely, I'm lonely. It doesn't help to know that he's surrounded by his family who are doing everything they can to "help him through this terrible time." What about me? They haven't extended any support to me and I was very close to them. His family's abandonment hurts me almost as much as his abandonment. I know I'll get through this but it's so hard. Anyway, thanks for listening.
Emma V. said...
I feel for you. You are probably going through the worst time right now. We all know how extremely difficult this is for you. There is one advantage. It will only get better now, you have to believe it.Your darkest moments are right now. Let it happen, feel lousy and alone and abandoned. If you really feel it, you will get through. Do not be afraid. Do not feel desperate. Cry and cry and cry. You deserve all the compassion for what you are going through. If you don't get it, accept it from me and the others. We know. It is scary and horrible, the worst of the worst. Take the meds, if they help you, so much the better. Talk to a psychologist. It helped me putting things in perspective. I hung on to her words and repeated them to myself. Your feelings are legitimate. Don't deny them because they feel uncomfortable.
I also know what you mean about being abandoned by his family. It happened to me. It is so unjust. But it is their shortcoming, not yours. He left, not you. He gave up on the relationship, not you. He is comfortable, but you have pain, you did not cause it.
Eckhart Tolle wrote, it is through suffering we evolve. You will be a better person. It is true. You will know what pain is and being abandoned and you will have compassion for others. You will mean more to others. And that will make you happy, not now, but later.
It is good you take it one day at a time. You are a good person. Do not let anyone say differently. You will get through this!
We are here to listen.
Nancy D said...
Listen to Emma. She's absolutely right. This will be the worst time for you. You'll get through this and things will get better for you. You'll be a completely different person...a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person.
I have been there-those horrible dark moments when you feel that there is no justice in the world and no way out. Believe me, there is a way out and your life will get better. I am 18 months down the line and my life has improved in so many ways. I have more friends, more of an idea of who I am, more time for me, a better relationship with my children and my family, more money.
I know who he is now, he did not deserve me. I know it was not my fault and that there was nothing I could have done differently to change his path. He chose it.
Bad things do happen to good people. This is a bad thing that has happened to you.It is not fair. NO matter what you did not deserve it. You will find the strength to know that.
YOu are worth more, you will have more, you will eventually be able to love again and be in love again with someone capable of loving you back properly, selflessly.
I don't mean to be discouraging to those of you who say that things will get easier--you will end up a stronger person--you will be better off, etc. but after my abandonment 14 years ago, the pain is still there--not every day but it is there. There are weddings to attend when you see your ex-husband on the arm of the "other woman" and it cuts like a knife. There are graduations, births, grandhchildrens' birthday parties. It goes on and on and never stops. I honestly think a death would have been easier. I am still amazed how the hurt continues--and he seems oblivious to what he has done.
Emma V said...
Resilience, to be able to get through the hard times, comes from optimism, for one. You have to believe.Feel the pain yes, but don't dwell on the past and don't become bitter, because that makes you stuck. This is hard to do in the beginning, but if you say it often enough, it will get through and it will happen.
I do believe now, the pain will never go away, I appreciate that. But it is less debilitating.
I think the period where Melissa is now, can be overwhelming. I have thought about death, and then I got scared of my own thoughts. In this period, you also do not know anymore what is real and what is not. I looked high and low for explanations. I still do, but all my emotions are less intense, and don't interfere with my daily life anymore. And now I think often, don't bother trying to figure it out, you will never. I hope not to be where I am now in 14 years. I hope I am not lonely anymore, perhaps I will be happy with a new partner. But I have to believe. I have to dream, and one day it will be reality. I refuse to waste my time being bitter. It is such a miserable useless feeling. Sometimes I want to feel miserable, and then I have all these thoughts about how inadequate I am, and how he had to look elsewhere etc. That I deserved what I got. But we have all have a right to make mistakes and to be a hard to get along with person some days. To leave suddenly, with another woman, without looking back can never be justified. But he could have died, and then it would have been easier, but then you would have also needed to get through grieving. Things happen and we have to accept it and deal with it. I sometimes think how happy I was, and then I think I am grateful for that. Now it is gone but I had it, I know what happiness is. Some people think marriage has an expiry date. It may be true. Who knows. It will get better. If not, you might as well pack it in right now..
I went to a show at my daughters school, and I had even invited my ex, because it was so important to my daughter, but she was too insecure so short after the separation. He came with his gf, it was hard, but not that hard. They tried to avoid me and were more uncomfortable than me.
Do it for the kids, or your friends, and then it is over and you can let him be again.
Most of all, we have no control over what happens. We can only do our best, we all do, even your ex. Forgive him for his inadequacies. Things will come back to haunt him. You have a clear conscience. You just have to nurse yourself back, very gradually. Be gentle to yourself.
I totally know what you are saying about the inlaws. I am dealing with those emotions right now too! I agree that it hurts just as much as losing your husband. My husband left me when I was 7 months pregnant. Our daughter is now 3 months old. He is going to take our two daughters to his mothers house for dinner tomorrow with the girlfriend and her kids. (The gf was also a friend of mine and his family's.) It hurts to think that my husband and his gf get to play house with my kids over at my inlaws. I feel like I was just taken out with the trash. I feel like a high school girlfriend. The inlaws response to his leaving was "what ever makes him happy". I know that we are better off with out these abandoners! But it does still hurt.
That is just abysmal. Any man that would abandon a pregnant woman is just awful. Mine at least waited until my baby son was two months old before he abandoned me.
And than the gall of these men to go off with their gfs and play house with our babies. I suppose we should be glad that they are wanting to spend time with their children. It's supposed to be a good thing, but I can well relate how much it hurts. I feel like I was a glorified incubator for this man, and now he goes off with some one else to show off his beautiful children and pretends to be this great father and family man to everyone.
At least in my case, his family support me. They want nothing to do with his gf.
Nancy D said...
Julia and sk,
Do you both have an attorney? There are some places where your husbands would not be allowed to have visitation rights with an infant without a court appointed liaison present AND the hh (homewrecking 'ho...why call them gf) would not be allowed to be present. Check with an attorney about this ASAP.
I do have an attorney. Basically there is nothing they can do. He is their father. My main concern was with my 3 year old daughter staying the night at "their" house. The "HH" (I like that btw) already has two boys 15 and 3. I wanted my daughter to have her own space if she was going to be staying over night. They live in a 2 bedroom house. So my daughter is sleeping in the 3 year old's bed while he goes off to stay with his dad. The worst part is HIS BED IS IN THEIR BEDROOM!!!! I find that disgusting. But my atty said as long as she is given a blanket and a pillow there is not much I can do about it. I can not believe that HH would move a bf into her small home especially if the only place her son can sleep is in her room and my messed up husband is okay with that!
My husband also said that he wouldn't have any problem letting the HH's 15 y.o. babysit our daughter. That also freaks me out! But I guess my state (Oregon) doesn't see a problem until after the fact. All I can do is pray!
The legal situation is similar for me. The law sides with the child's right to spend time with their father. If the father thinks it is okay to have the HH sleep over while my five year old son is with him, there is nothing I can do about it. It makes me sick.
Nancy D said...
WOW! I'm glad you both have attorneys but can't believe that's allowed to happen. Laws do vary from state to state. My sons are teenagers so it's up to them to decide when and where they want to see their father. They refuse to have anything to do with the HH for which I am thankful. I live in NJ which is one of the few states that still allows a spouse to be charged with adultery. Believe me, I got some joy out of doing just that! Good luck with a situation that doesn't seem right for the children.
Yes, I was able to charge him with adultry, but it doesn't give much of an advantage - except with some minor satisfaction.
I've become very disallusioned with the law and its supposed line of "in the best interest in the children". It all depends on the whim of a judge. I've heard of judges ordering breast-feeding infants away from their mothers to spend and overnight with their dads.
My younger son is now fourteen months old and still nursing. My soon-to-be-ex (stbx) is wanting him for a sleepover and I've been saying no. At the same time, I've been offering for the stbx to spend more time with him on Sundays during the day, so the child can get to know him better as a caregiver. The stbx says that Sundays are his "cleaning days" and he doesn't want the kids with him then. Right.
I get up every morning feeling depressed, worried about what is going to happen, missing having some one else here to lend a hand and a shoulder. I wish these feelings would go away.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine. My stbx just started taking my 3 month old. He left during the last 3 months of her development, never felt her move, because he was not around his voice was one that she never "heard" in the womb. Once she was born he came around for, maybe, 20 minutes at a time the first couple days of her life. A few weeks ago he wanted to start taking her. I also begged that he spend time with her at our house so she could get to know him before sweeping her away from all that she knows. Nope, didn't do it. And HIS family said "just let her go, you don't know how she is going to react until she goes". So basically lets do the damage first then fix it if it needs to be fixed. Again, it is all about the stbx and his needs rather than our children.
I think that since this is HIS choice to leave our family HE needs to be the one doing whatever he can to make this transition easy for our children. But he thinks they won't be affected!
Wow, is this ever turning into a long thread!
Yes indeed, these guys just think about their own precious fantasy lives and very little to do with the good of their children.
For example, my stbx complains that he doesn't spend enough time with the younger boy. Well, he had the opportunity to spend plenty of time with him today and tomorrow. Instead, he chose to do a roadtrip to the city where the HH lives part-time (300 km away), and he took my older son with him. I didn't want him to take my son, but there's nothing I can do to stop him - it's his time with the boy and the boy needs and loves his dad. The last time he did this, he didn't even tell me that he was taking my son out of town for the weekend. Did that ever get me steamed!
I'm 18 months into this and still get periods where I feel so sad I cry.
Yesterday, I called a friend for help and the only words I could get out on the phone were "I need a hug."
It just doesn't seem fair to me that we were together for so long and that I got dumped with no warning, no conversation, no compassion, and no nothing - all for for a skanky HH. (And she is a homewrecking 'ho - been married three tims so far and several affairs besides.)
My youngest daughter is now living with her father (I didn't get to be part of *that* conversation either) and she's causing all kinds of trouble and was supposed to come over on the weekend and didn't even call.
I work two jobs - one of them I hate - just keep the family home together for my children. And they don't seem to appreciate it. My oldest will be off to university next year and where will I be? Doing a job I hate, living in a city I hate where I do my best to avoid running into my ex and his HH. Working to provide for two kids who don't even care. My ex still bad mouths me, yells at me on the phone, and won't even talk to me about what we should do about my youngest daughter. And I hear that his HH trashes me every chance she gets - and she doesn't even know me!
I don't understand it. I haven't done anything wrong and my life is so horrible. Some days I just feel like walking away from everything. I think the only thing that stops me is my oldest daughter who would feel like she has been abandoned by yet another parent.
Nancy D said...
I can totally relate. There are still a few days I feel like walking out on my sons and starting a new life somewhere. At times they seem so unappreciative. My older son will also start college this fall. It will be just me and my younger son in this house come the end of August. I recently bought my ex out of this house and last week, my younger son told me he hated this house and the town where we live. Yes, that hurts but I keep telling myself he's just a child and that I am the adult here and have made a decision to do what's best for him...that's what parents are supposed to do. They're not supposed to just walk out and start a new life with an HH.
I've no idea if my ex's HH badmouths me or not. She hardly knows me. She, too, has a "history". Her first husband killed himself because she was having an affair. She continued that relationship after her husband died and got engaged to the guy. Then, she was having doubts about that relationship and "counseled" with my husband who was a co-worker and friend. The rest is history.
There is no logic or reason to any of this. It is not right and it is not fair. We are the ones who struggle with being left while our exes and their HH's are seemingly happy. I believe what goes round comes round. My ex's HH dumped him once and I believe she'll do it again...the next time for good. I also believe in Heaven and Hell and I'm sure they'll both end up in Hell. I'll rejoice greatly at that time!
Not to belittle what anyone else here is going through, but I just met a woman whose husband abandoned her for his secretary just before she gave birth to triplets!
I can't imagine looking after one baby by myself while going through the trauma of being abandoned - but triplets!
The boys are 19 now, so I know this poor woman survived it, but she is still rightly unhappy with her ex-husband.
my husband left 3 months ago after 29 years of marriage. I have since found out he was having an affair with a work colleague. I often can't sleep and get up in the night. At the end of september, I slipped and fell on the stairs and have broken my back. My husband refused to return home to help.
Of course I am angry and hurt but I am so confused because I miss him so much and if I'm honest, love him. I can't believe that the person I trusted more than anyone else in life has done this? The pain is unbelievable and I am consumed with thoughts about him. We have children who have been so hurt and have distanced themselves from their father - why doesn't he appreciate what he has done?
Oh No! So Sorry Jill, hugs and support coming your way. please post again on page 48. xxx
Yes, Depression (and anger) are the two big ones when this horrific action happened to us. We did nothing to deserve it either.
At first after he left in September 2013, I kind of felt relieved that he was gone, and so where our 2 sons who live with me. We now had the entire house to ourselves, with choices we could make with him around. But, after the intense crying, and sometimes going back to bed in the morning, only to take one sip of coffee and return to bed, the real depression set in.
My husband left his shotgun and registered handgun at the house because he was driving a big rig truck across the country and couldn't take it with him. I wanted to die and told our eldest son I wanted to shoot myself and them too, and write a suicide letter to the police explaining all the carnage in the house was due to my husband walking out on me and his sons.
But, my son was helpful, and said to me that if I commit suicide, then he wins, and will not be remorseful at all if this happened. The way my sons and I win, is to LIVE, and show him that we can live our lives better than before, happier than before, with love, appreciation and support that my soon-to-be ex never gave,
Considering that I was married to him for 33 years-married at 23 and now 56, it only took me 4 months to stop crying and wake up to the fact that I should have left him many years ago. My personality is an Extrovert and he and Introvert, He is a type A personality-who reads and runs and lifts weights, I love to garden, sew, cook, talk to my friends.
Try to connect or reconnect with family and friends to help with the anger, betrayal, and depression. Go to a therapist or clergy to talk , or even talk to yourself or a photo of someone you loved but passed away, like I do with my mother, There are people who will listen and understand you.
My youngest son of 23 has to attend per the courts twice weekly AA meetings, I go with him to support him and find that although I'm not an alcoholic, the AA meetings discuss topics that are relevant to healing, and overcoming and rejoicing in the power of new beginnings and life. You might want to go to one to try it.
It's only been 7 months since he's been gone, Hurry for me and my sons, We are fine and good human beings, who love, respect and try not to hurt anyone else. Remember all the time-it is him not you and it's his inability to cope with emotions. I am fine!
4 years in and still having bad days! why oh why ?? tho having read w few pages from Sudden wife abandonment by vickki , now I know why(as if I didnt already) I got run over by a huge truck- but I have said to people its like standing on a train track and getting hit from the side by an express train- blind sided call it what you will - its a form of violation by a partner you thought loved you, yes for better or worse- my awful times are when I can only think he hated the sight of me- I was surplus to requirements once she gave him the green light- and I had to go and so did our marriage- I am off he says - he said he was pleased he did not have to lie to me any more - thanks but you did not tell me our marriage was over- you just never came home two nights - and she was boasting all over facebook as to what a wonderful night she had had (whilst also drinking her body weight in drink) ! ?? so I now feel 1) boring , which I never was 2) useless to anyone 3) not attractive 4) depressed to the point of being frozen and cannot do anything but mope around- yes I know I need therapy and will try and get some again - it is so terrible not moving on- when you know you have to - also awful
thinking oh my god is this my life - feeling this awful for the rest of my life- somethings gotta give! so back to therapy- I read depression is inevitable and to be a sudden ab wife- sure dont help - because you just feel like you have been thrown in the garbage - discarded - yes for a younger model - we try and hate our exes - so why is that so hard too- probably because we were stuck in loving them mode when the express train came thru?? anyway I have just brought the runaway husbands book and will devour it- I have read a lot - but always wonder is this helping or just making me realise that I am a swa victim?? stop being the victim?? it is so funny when people say have you got another man yet?? they just do not understand - friends with men yes- but nothing heavy at all- too scary even after four years- he has married the floosy - third time for both of them , haa haa, how I love to read that 3rd marriages do not last hardly ever - my god I long for some news like that about those two selfish pigs! good days then bad days is the story of my life at the moment - work gives me structure thank god - I have real financial worries - and know I must work for at least ten more years - it is nice in some ways to know I am not alone - but it saddens me that so many women and men have had to face being suddenly abandoned- I suppose it is because they "do not want a scene"?? simply they have stopped loving you - I have learnt that LOVE ENDS - it is a hard lesson to learn in that way- how I wish it could have been that I saw it coming- ?? love to all x