I am just writing because I need to. It has been 2 1/2 years. Nothing has changed. I think I am ok, financially, I have a roof, I have loving kids, I have a loving family, I have some good friends. I keep occupied. But everyday there are the moments, when I want to cry. I am envious, because my ex partner has a life, a meaning, a future. I keep facing those moments when I feel so alone, like now. Emptiness, I miss that so much, and I am so tired of it. I look for things to do, and then when it's over, there are those moments again, the anger, of being left, without consideration, empathy. It is the same knife in my heart everyday, how could this happen, what did I do wrong? When will it end? When will I be happy again? I talk with a man regularly, his wife left him. He has gone 7 times to Cuba since Christmas, and thinks he is in love with a performer at a resort. He dreams and gives her money, she keeps him at a distance. He is 47, she is 24. I know his pain and his desire for meaning in his life. He talks to me and empties his feelings to me. We are good friends and I understand his frustration, I try to keep him in reality. But I also understand his desires for love. And in a way I admire him for his efforts. I thought I had it, I felt fulfilled. My ex was a good person. I was convinced of that. But I think he had too much testosterone. He could never leave me alone, and I was tired. Perhaps I could not give him what he wanted. I understand his wish to have a younger woman. I was 8 years older than him, turning into a premenopausal woman. He chose for superficialness, and I do not respect him for that. We had something special. We had 20 years and three children.And it hurts me so much to think that he could just throw me away. So it is good that we split up. But all seems so unfair. Men need to be wanted, adored, but they do not do the same. I respect myself, and have always wanted to be independent, financially, emotionally, ideologically. I wanted to be my own person, instead of someone who exists just to please their man. In a way, that is how the relationship lasted this long I think. But I needed him, his affection, his approval, to be at my side. I never thought it would be this hard. He really made me happy, and I miss that. Yes, we had problems, yes, he was simple (his own words) but his love cancelled everything. I wish I could tell him that. But he is gone and out of touch. My wish is to mean something to someone. It is too lonely like this. Thanks for letting me vent.
Emma, you aren't the one who did wrong. You didn't abandon your partner and your children and dishonour your marriage commitment, commit adultery or cause your own family unbearable suffering all in the name of self interest. I'm convinced that men who are able to do these things without remorse are sociopathic.In blaming yourself you're taking all of the guilt and responsibility upon your own shoulders . The guilt and pain are floating out there with nowhere to attach because he's walked away from them but they shouldn't be yours to bear alone.What he did to you is abuse. Please don't blame yourself. I know from what you say that you're a good person who is suffering and you know as we all do that it's going to be a long process of grief but you have to believe that you're a stronger, better human being than he is. He doesn't deserve your love any longer.
Emma V said...
I needed that.
My ex phoned me this morning at 7am after 4 months of silence. He told me that he is sending the one daughter he has full time since Feb this year, back to me this week, and that it is going to be one week with him, one week with me again. "She does not respect the rules" was the reason. I am happy to see her again living in my house, but how does she feel, being pushed away? His new gf is sick (mono) and is depressed and cannot handle my daughter. They went to the cottage this weekend. Good thing I am here to pick up the pieces! He also had a fight with my oldest daughter, who lives with me full time. He is mad because she does not visit him. She tries to explain why (she is busy with exams, and she does not like it there, since he yells at his gf kids all the time), and he gets really mad, and hangs up on her. I comfort her, but do not say anything bad about him. But when she says that she cannot talk to him, I have to agree, he always gets mad when things do not go his way. In a nutshell, she just wants his attention all for herself sometimes, she wants to important to him. That is what she wants, and I so understand.
In a way I am happy, that they are ok with me, but in another way, they hurt so much because of what has happened, and how my ex choses for his gf's well being rather than that of his children.
He does not deserve anyone's love right now, like you said M. When he realizes that he was loved, and that people wanted so much to love him, but he pushed them away, he will hopefully rethink his decisions and his way of acting. Please give this guy some wisdom, stop having him hurt my kids.
I am going for a walk in the woods and watch the trilliums, and have a blizz in nature, that should do me good.I will ask the gods to give me the wisdom to do good for my kids. I have to be there for them and I have to be strong.
Emma I HEAR YOU. TOO much testosterone or insecure? That is the question?. I couldn't go to bed before him, even if I was working early.And I couldn't go to bed later then him, or he would be pissed off with me...It was a nightmare... She can have that crap now, She can be the prisoner in his bed.. Not me....
You are not alone, your kids they are with you? And you do have a life. You have a life that is not with someone who thought so little of you. That is a much better life than with them.
Thank everyday you are alone and there and can make your life exactly the way you want it.
Shes 24, he is almost 50 and she is 24. Says so much more about how he is afraid to be his age than anything. More about him, nothing about you.
He is a twinky wrapper in the trash, and the slightest wind if the trash fell over, and there he would go down the road.
You don't want a twinky wrapper. It is nothing, it is garbage.
You have yourself, your life, any dream you want you can do now with no one changing your mind,you can cook what you want, be happy, be in each day.