When do I start feeling normal again?
My husband left almost ten months ago for another woman. I was not expecting it. We were married for ten years and we'd just had our new baby. The baby was two months old at the time.
In the months after he left, he rapidly cut as many ties as possible from me. It was methodical and surgical and clearly well planned out.
I was devastated. I still feel terrible. I just get by as best I can through each day, but I am constantly fighting low feelings of depression, anger, loneliness and hopelessness.
When do I finally start to feel human again?
Well, try to learn why some men have difficulty with their wives after childbirth. They may feel neglected or they may have difficulty seeing you as a mate instead of a mother. Yours is very complicated because of having a child (major change) and now doing it alone which I'm sure you never planned on. I'm going to guess that you might be holding onto alot of anger. Trying to learn more about what is wrong with him and why he couldn't handle it might help you let go of the anger. I'm sure you have many more facets to your story as we all do but I'm going to say you're stuck and everyday that you are parenting alone at least for me would feed my anger, hurt and resentment. Very good luck to you and I pray you can get past this point and feel happiness again.
Right now you are holding in your arms the most important person who will ever come into your life, your own child, who will never stop loving you and who will be yours for as long as you live.That's really something to celebrate! I'm terribly sorry for your pain; we all are and without knowing much about you, I feel angry at your husband for what he's done to you and your little baby and angry that he's ruined what should have been a time of great joy for you but in the long run, he's the big loser to have abandoned his wife and baby.What a schmuck!
I hope that you have someone to talk to because that helps so much.Even if you have to pay a professional, you have to talk to get the pain out so that you don't have that jumble of horrible thoughts going around and around and around in your head, torturing you.You're a family,now, you and your baby and there will be wonderful years ahead for you. Believe me. You can't change what's happened to you but you have full control over what happens to you from now on. Good luck!
Emma V said...
I do not know when you will feel normal again. It also depends on what is "normal". I think it will be a gradual process. It will also go up and down. When I notice myself laughing or singing or forgetting about what happened while doing something where I have to concentrate, I know that I am approaching normality. My psychologist asked me in the beginning of my saga, how many times I thought of my ex a day. It was almost constantly. It is still a lot today, but less and less. I used to cry every day. Now I have a good crying session once every two weeks or less. When my kids are around, I am a 100% better. It is when I am alone, it is still difficult. I pace in the house, feel something is wrong..
Me too, I want to be normal again (if ever I was..) but I am starting to realize that I will never be the same. I will be different and maybe (hopefully) better. I never thought that it would be this hard. Enjoy your child, it will help you tremendously.I think it helps if you have activities and go out. I am a bit reserved and more so now, so that advice does not work so well for me personally. I read a lot. I spend time in the woods, the trees and the birds make me feel normal.
I still think, if only he would have regret and come back, everything will be the way it was, and we will live happily after....I think the moment you really think that that is an illusion and stop thinking that, then you will be healed. Not there yet..my heart is still bleeding.
There are actually two children... My older one is five. He spends a couple of nights per week with his father. The baby spends a few hours on some weekday evenings and some blocks of time on weekends. I know this is supposed to be good for the kids and I should be grateful that he is willing to be their dad, but it hurts like hell because I have to meet with the man that used to be a protector and is now a persector.
Many times, he brings the girlfriend with him - he perports that she will be their stepmother, so she needs to bond with them - and I have to watch as the two of them walk away holding my baby and playing with my kid. It's like my pregnancy was all for their fun at playing house and I was just a convenient incubator for them.
I've gotten better with these exchanges. The hurt stays inside instead and it has become a dull ache. It's all business on the outside - all pain within. I hate the thought of that woman touching my babies, but I try not to think of it when the children are with them.
Sometimes when my older boy comes back, he cries and doesn't want to go home with me. He rails against me and I feel like somehow I'm being punished and accused for something that I didn't instigate.
I don't miss the man. What he is now is something so different than what he was - or what I thought he used to be. He has become a persecutor.
I was horrified at the rapidness and methodicalness with which he disengaged me from his "new life". One day, just a week after he'd left, I was driving with the children and the car broke down. When I called the automobile association to get assistance, I'd discovered that my name had already been replaced with her name on our membership! I couldn't believe that kind of disregard for my own well-being and that of the chilren.
I miss what I thought the man was though. I miss having that kind of warm, loving presence in my life. I've made many friends in the past ten months, but I still feel a terrible loneliness. It's a hard blow, wondering if all those years of our life together was just a sugar-coated illusion. Was any of it real?
I know that normal will never be the way normal used to be. What I want is to wake up feeling at peace in the morning again. I want to be able to get through a day without thinking of him or her or the situation. I'm not there yet.
I feel terrible for you and wish that I could say something that would help get rid of some of the pain.
I would hate, too, to have the "other woman" touching my children. I never had to go through that as my children were in high school when their father left but I can imagine what it would feel like and I can feel that dull ache just thinking about it.The auto. association thing is just unbelievable! There's something wrong with these men. I really think so. He sounds like a sociopath., totally centered upon himself. My husband, too, was always #1 in his own estimation and would get angry; use the "F" word and curse under his breath if he didn't have things his way. Really, it's so childish but it was very unpleasant to be around him when he was like that.
I think that disengagement that you described is common to most of us. It's horrible to experience and impossible to understand. I thought that my husband was my family and that we were close friends as well as partners but I was wrong about all of it.He was a convincing actor and I believed in him until well after he walked out the door.
Sounds to me as if you are human, and he is not. If you cannot agree with that assessment, ask anyone who posts after I do.
The men that left you are pathetic to the core.
I had suspected the man (I use that word loosely) that abandoned me had NPD for years but choose to be in denial about it but then he left and it all became crystal clear.
It's not you, it's them.
Read up on NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and narcissistic abuse syndrome. YouTube has lots of good stuff on it.
Be prepared to have many aha moments.
It's not you, it's HIM.