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"The Hug" by Lauren Goldman
www.laurengoldman.com



RUNAWAY HUSBANDS
The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal, the new book by Vikki Stark, M.S.W. will help you understand what happened in your life and learn how to use this crisis as an opportunity for a better future!




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Reactions from women who have read the book:

Thank you so much for this wonderful book! I experienced a whole range of emotions as I read along sometimes tears, sometimes giggles but a whole lot of head nodding and "Yep, that was him all right!" as I turned the pages. Your book and your website have provided invaluable comfort and support in my journey towards recovery from this life altering event.

Jean from Philadelphia.

I sat down and devoured your book - read it so fast with lots of highlights in yellow! I'm sure I will reread it many times. Lying in bed, out jumped your belief about brain tumour and abduction by aliens. I burst into hysterical laughter until I collapsed in hysterical tears. Those were my exact same thoughts.

Carmella from San Diego.

I received your book and couldn't put it down until I finished it. It is an absolutely outstanding book that has so eloquently portrayed almost to a tee everything that I've experienced in the last several months.

Linda from Sydney, Australia.



PLEASE NOTE: This website is dedicated to helping women who were abandoned by their husbands but it is important to state that wives also abandon their marriages without prior notice, although not at the same frequency. It is also important to highlight the fact that not all men who choose to end their marriage do so in this way.


What we need most of all to recover from Wife Abandonment Syndrome is each other!

Here you get the chance to tell your story to other women who really know what you are talking about. The goal of this "town square" is to provide support and encourage healing for yourself and others. Please feel free to write about your thoughts and experience, but most of all, let's all share the tricks we used to "make it through the night" in the early days, and the wisdom we gained that helped us "bounce back better" when we were further along the road to healing. There's strength in numbers - let's give each other that strength.



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Thursday, March 20,2008

What about the children?


My husband abandoned me for another woman after a fourteen year relationship. At the time it happened, our older son was 5 years old and my younger boy only 2 months old! Now the man is demanding that the children stay with him and the girlfriend 50% of the time - and the younger son is not even weaned. When I go and take the children for him to spend time with them, he often brings the girlfriend with him - and he cannot comprehend why I might be offended by this. It's like getting salt in an open wound - again and again and again.

Does anyone else have small children and can anyone else make suggestions on how to cope with problems like this?

Posted by
SK


COMMENTS:

Emma V.
said...

My children are older, so I do not know what it is like to have smaller children in this situation. I think your feelings about her being there are ligitimate, I think it is inconsiderate on his part. He probably does not think so because he does not feel the pain, and is working on his new life and wants his new girlfriend to know his children. Shortly after my ex left, he would come and pick up the children in her car with her in it, as if he paraded her for me, laughing and all. I gave my children to him and they got in that car, and I felt like throwing up. Sometimes it would be her to pick them up. Now, 2 years later, it does not happen anymore. I have not seen her for ages.
It is never a good idea to not give acces to their father. They need their father, and I think it is better for them to keep a good relation (even if I feel like pushing him off a cliff to disappear forever..) They will later be grateful for having done it for them. Do what you can only for them, as long as it does not harm you. You are important too, very important and you need to be in good health for them. Ask your ex not to have her there, and see how he responds.
When they get older, it is a different story. I have a rebelious 16 year old daughter, and I try to do the right thing with her. The last time I insisted that she do her homework before going out. She had a fit, hit on me and her sister, was hysterical, damaged two cars because of swinging the cardoor open in a tantrum, and then insisting she wanted to go to her father.She then decided to live with him full time. It hurt me tremendously, but had to stay my ground in order for me to be a good parent. It was so much easier to give in. It is also easy to talk bad about the other parent, but you have to bite your tongue, and it is not easy. I miss her so much, but I probably need to give her space. I have to respect how she feels. I just hope it is not because he says bad things about me, but I think it has something to do with it, because of the things she says when she is mad at me. I have heard the words before. If so, I need to rely on karma. I still need to be me and do what is right. But it is so hard......
Use this rule: do the best for your kids, and they will respect you for it.It will come back to you someday. It will never be good enough for him, but he does not count right now.

Thursday, March 20,2008

Joan
said...

SK get a lawyer.

Get visitation rights spelled out in a legal separation agreement.

If you are still nursing your two-month-old - and what kind of cad leaves the woman who has just given birth to his child? - your lawyer will know how to deal with it.

Yes, he has a right to see his children. But he isn't the only one with rights. His children have them and so do you. What should be done is what is best all round.

You shouldn't have to put up with such a stressful, emotional issue on your own right now.

Friday, March 21,2008

Fran
said...

My kids are older too, but my 15 year old lives with his Dad and the other one. I tried to move back to my home with him but it didn't work. He wanted to go back to his home so off he went. we still have a great relationship, he knows what his dad did was wrong but his dad is his dad. I chose that not him. When my ex first left he was on this topic constantly. I see it all the time. They want the kids to get to know the new girlfriend, they are in love (lust, whatever) with that person and to them they want everyone to share in this wonderful experience! I know it's twisted but that is how they see it! I have a friend who made a deal with her ex, (she has little ones too) if they are still together after a year then the kids can meet her. She's worried that the kids will begin to form a relationship with this woman and then puff she's gone. I would say that's reasonable. But then again you're dealing with the unreasonable. Like I said, I chose my children's father, not them. So I have to deal with it. I also agree that you need a lawyer, asap. It's the only form of control that you have right now. Good luck.

Friday, March 21,2008

Emma V
said...

I agree, you should get a lawyer. I you are breastfeeding, you need to be there. I breast fed my first daughter until she was a year and a half, and it was the best thing I ever did. I had two other children I breastfed until 11 month old. (they were restless and started to bite me) It is the best thing you can do for your child (and you) and he (the father) should NEVER be able to interfere with that!
The baby needs you. He also needs his father but later. Your breast milk will make him stronger, and he needs that bond.

Saturday, March 22,2008

SK
said...

Thanks for the comments. Indeed, I have not beeen barring access, but in the early days the little one was so young that visitation times didn't necessarily coincide with the baby's schedule.

Interestingly, I received an "apology" from the other woman. But what it amounted to was that she is sorry for the timing and for hurting me, but she is not sorry for what they did and that I "must have realized" deep in my heart that my marriage was over and now I should "be and adult" and get over my pain.

My ex and her are such smug, self-centred people. They see themselves as these heroic "adults" who were in unhappy marriages to children where they shouldered the whole load. I can't speak for her former marriage, but I just don't see anything "adult" about a grown man running away from a marriage just after a baby has been born - and then blame it on the wife for not having been enough of a grown-up for him? From what I've been told, he was thinking of breaking the marriage even before the baby was conceived! Now how sick is that?

I do have a lawyer, but as the littlest one gets older, the breastfeeding issue becomes less defensible in a court of law. It's really sick, but that's the way it is. These days, a baby's well-being is overshadowed by "fathers' rights".

Friday, March 28,2008

SK
said...

Thanks for the comments. Indeed, I have not beeen barring access, but in the early days the little one was so young that visitation times didn't necessarily coincide with the baby's schedule.

Interestingly, I received an "apology" from the other woman. But what it amounted to was that she is sorry for the timing and for hurting me, but she is not sorry for what they did and that I "must have realized" deep in my heart that my marriage was over and now I should "be and adult" and get over my pain.

My ex and her are such smug, self-centred people. They see themselves as these heroic "adults" who were in unhappy marriages to children where they shouldered the whole load. I can't speak for her former marriage, but I just don't see anything "adult" about a grown man running away from a marriage just after a baby has been born - and then blame it on the wife for not having been enough of a grown-up for him? From what I've been told, he was thinking of breaking the marriage even before the baby was conceived! Now how sick is that?

I do have a lawyer, but as the littlest one gets older, the breastfeeding issue becomes less defensible in a court of law. It's really sick, but that's the way it is. These days, a baby's well-being is overshadowed by "fathers' rights".

Friday, March 28,2008

Joe
said...

SK, you're suffering through the kind of (literally) unbelievable insensitivity that pervades every one of these stories. I can't help you understand it, but at least you're not alone in experiencing it. All I can tell you is this: it's not you. This is the pattern: they justify it, they make you wrong, they find any argument available to make it ok. That is not maturity, that is not being grown it. It is pathological, and that's all there is to it. So buck up, cry when you need to, and rage at the blatant insensitivity. Those are healthy, normal reactions of the kind of violation you have suffered. And when you can, get a great attorney who will actually listen to you and champion you. Your kids need the parent who was there for them.

Saturday, March 29,2008

sk
said...

hi Joe,

I read some of your other posts, so I understand that you are in a similar situation - except in reverse as far as genders go. Thanks for your comments and support.

You hit the nail on the head when you talked about the unbelievable insensitivity that these cheating people have towards others. And it certainly doesn't matter if we are talking about men or women.

Thursday, April 03,2008

Julia
said...

SK,
How do you do it? How do you hand your kids off to your husband and the other woman? My husband asked me to take our 2 month old (for the first time) and I refuse to give her to him. He left me when I was pregnant with her, he has only seen or held her probably less than 10 times. There is NO bond between them. I truly feel that the girlfriend is pushing him to take our daughter. A few days ago I asked him when he was going to want to take our daughter and his reply was when you are ready. I told him I wouldn't be ready for a long time. He said he was fine with that....now a few days later he wants her?!
Also, how do you deal with hearing what your oldest child says when he comes home after spending time with "them". It just hurts me everytime I hear my daughter mention the other womans name! My daughter has also come home and talked about "brother Jack"....she doesn't have any brothers! We are not even divorced, we are still married, it has only been 5 months and he (or she) is pushing his new family on our daughter. Does it ever get easier?

Sunday, April 27,2008

Pearl
said...

SK,

I feel for you ... your children are so young. But look at it another way, you will know that in the longer run, you and the children are better off without him. Focus on the positive, your health and your overall well-being. Best of all, be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with good friends who do not judge you, but who will support you, unconditionally, as you ride through this storm. Sure, it is tough now but you will be amazed by your own personal growth in strength, maturity and integrity. These are important values, for yourself. Do not waste anymore time on him. Do not react as this will show what he and his gf can still push your buttons. Be business-like, curt, firm, strong. Not emotional.

Men who do this to a wife are animals. Women who do this to other married women have low self-esteem, are inwardly selfish, wicked and they will have their retribution.

Stay positive, happy and optimistic about your own future. Develop yourself and your skills so you stay relevant for yourself and your children.

Your best 'revenge' is to be able to demonstrate, with your actions, that you are happier and healthier without his shit-load of lies and deception. And finally, better his gf than you, for if a woman would stay with such a man, and so is a witness to his tryranny and betrayal, then surely it will happen to her one day too.

So SK, be kind to yourself, smile and be happy that he is out of your life.

Take care.

Saturday, August 16,2008

EJ
said...

I too have small children, when my husband up and left me. My (i guess i should say our) son was 22 months and my daughter was 6 days old, 3 weeks before christmas.

It's extremely hard to "pass" over your children, my daughter now just turned 1 and for the first time is going on overnight visits, it breaks my heart to see her crying when he has her, she doesn't even know him.

My husband too left me for a new girlfriend with 3 of her own children, they're both so smug when they come to pick up my children. I hate that my son talks about them but I listen and take the pain for my sons sake, no one elses. I know that when they are away my son is looking out for his little sister and that he will tell me if anything wasn't right. It's amazing what children hear and will tell you, you just have to know what to ask them. They don't know how to lie when they are young, they are so innocent and have no sensors.

As much hate as there towards what was done to me and my children, I know that we are better off without him in our everyday life. I know my children love me unconditionally and always will. I have come to accept that even though they will love there father, they will always love me too. I have the best things in my life, my children and I get to take joy and pride in the little things everyday. Yes the happy with the sad, but it's the little things that there father will never have. He'll never have that bond with his daughter, afterall he's missed her entire first year, and only gets to see both of them 4 days out of the month, now who's the winner, NOT HIM.

Leopards don't change there spots, so take comfort in what goes around comes around and one day he'll have to face the music.

Enjoy your children every day, Enjoy the little things they say and do, the first steps, words, cuts, that's something he'll never get.

Be strong, it gets easier. Though we'll never forget we can and have to move on. As women was have this incredable skill of rising above and going beyond. We have the strength and you will find the wil.

It's true, only time can heal. Let yourself heal, but don't let the anger control you. "He who angers you controls you" don't let him control you anymore.

Enjoy those children
EJ

Friday, December 19,2008

Alm
said...

It's been four years since my husband abandoned our 7 year marriage with two young children in 2006. At that time, they were ages 3 and 1, and I was a stay-at-home mother. I was devastated, but mostly afraid of how my beloved children would be affected. I had to return to work, put children in daycare, and fight expensive legal battles with my husband. God Himself carried me through the crisis because I could never have done it on my own.

I am thrilled to report four years later that not only did we survive, but me and kids ages 7 and 5 now are thriving! I am so proud of how well my babies have adjusted. God is with us.

Guess whose life pales in comparison: the abandoner's. By his own admission in 2010, he regrets his decisions and wishes he never left us!

Thursday, July 15,2010



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